<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Don't overthink it by ninusch</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25978930">Don't overthink it</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninusch/pseuds/ninusch'>ninusch</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Outer Banks (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emily is just there to stir up trouble I'm sorry, F/M, Friends to Lovers, How do American Holidays work I wouldn't know, How does American college work I wouldn't know, How does surfing work, I wish I could write him better, Jiara - Freeform, John B is clueless, Louise is just there so Kiara has a friend in college I'm sorry, Pope is a good friend, Sarah is reduced to a one dimensional character I'm sorry, They do not communicate otherwise there would be no story, assholes in love</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:07:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,618</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25978930</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninusch/pseuds/ninusch</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>For the majority of the time she was not even sure she liked JJ as a person.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I have not written Fanfiction for a long time and than these American Surfer teens show up and tiktok a lot and suddenly I erupt in 13k worth of this. So I sat my old, European ass down and will upload this in two parts. All of this is already written because see above.</p><p>I even made a playlist. Enjoy!</p><p>Pt. 1</p><p>Lesson to Learn - Janet May<br/>You’re Somebody Else - Flora Cash<br/>Hello Lover - Empires<br/>High for This - The Weeknd</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">If Kie had to choose it would have been John B.</p><p class="p1">It just made sense. He was rebellious enough to irk her parents but sensible enough to get into their good graces where it mattered. He brought her into the Pogues, was her best friend before Pope gathered the courage to tell her about his coroner ambitions and JJ decided it was not below him and his inherited hostility against Kooks to talk to her at all.</p><p class="p1">John B was good looking. He was fit. Well, they were all fit - during her Kook year when Kie grew boobs the boys grew shoulders. But John B had that twinkle in his eye, the long curly hair messily <em>swooshed</em> back out of his forehead, the easy smile, the righteous anger paired with enough chill surfer attitude.</p><p class="p1">Not a lot of people believed it but she was actually pretty realistic: They did not live in a perfect world, overcoming climate change would be a bitch, capitalism was alive and well, her parents wanted her to be the perfect Kook which she would never be and a close friendship between boys and girls would never not be shrouded in gossip and speculation. The boys were crushing on her and yes, she was maybe, possibly crushing a bit on them too in a <em>Those-are-my-boys-they-are-hot-and-reckless-and-my-best-friends-what-would-I-do-without-them-probably-sleep-a-lot-more-and-get-better-grades-but-thats-not-the-point </em>kind of way.</p><p class="p1">Mostly they were fine</p><p class="p1">They were teenagers and well … <em>hormonal</em>. It showed in John Bs calculated dive off the HMS Pogue where he knew it would accentuate his form. In Popes botched attempts to turn away his hips when she hugged him. Especially in JJs „That’s what she said“-jokes. And she liked to look too, so what?</p><p class="p1">And for those times where it was not fine, she had installed the No Macking-Rule. It worked great until the summer of the gold. But in that year pretty much everything was fucked up, so does that really count?</p><p class="p1">Yeah, so<em> if </em>someone would put a <em>hypothetical</em> gun to her head and <em>hypothetically </em>demand of her to pick one of them she would have always, always picked John B.</p><p class="p1">Pope would be runner-up.</p><p class="p1">Objectively she knew that it was unfair to go by looks and sticking it to the parents more then actual compatibility. The two of them were (on paper at least) a better fit than she and John B. They were both eying the horizon of the OBX with ambitions, looking towards college (Pope) or travel and then college (Kie). Pope was the one who understood her best and was honestly interested in what she thought more than what bikini she was wearing that day (JJ) or what kind of food she could score at The Wreck for free (John B, but also JJ). He didn’t mind the other things, but yeah … for him brains was the main quality.</p><p class="p1">Pope was cute, too. Great smile.</p><p class="p1">But she looked at him and she knew she loved him in a way too familiar to the way she loved her parents. She looked at John B and she loved him the same, but she was positive that that could potentially grow into something different.</p><p class="p1">She looked at JJ and had to sigh in resignation.</p><p class="p1">A whirl wind of a boy, teller of inappropriate stories, keeper of all the blunts and zero braincells, parader of one night stands, cause and end of every fight they got into ever. For the majority of the time she was not even sure she <em>liked</em> JJ as a person.</p><p class="p1">She wasn’t opposed to a good rebellion, sure. But JJ was a whole fucking freight train filled to the brim with dynamite, set on fire and pointed towards a government building on purpose.</p><p class="p1">She did like his jawline, though. That was nice.</p><p class="p1">She also liked watching him surf. Just him, the board and the wave, and she liked his enthusiasm for showing others how to do it too. She liked Surfing-JJ the best, followed by Very-High-JJ when his high strung body would come to rest and the only thing moving were his fingers in her hair that he would braid and unbraid and braid again for hours just because he liked the feeling of it. He would thank her very solemnly when he was finished, and the first time this happened Kie nearly fell off the log she was sitting on.</p><p class="p1">He was ok. He was not as handsome as John B. He was definitely not as smart as Pope. He was … JJ.</p><p class="p1">She looked at him and saw only a boy, burning so bright he would burn out too soon. It was hard imagining his future beyond the next ten years if she was honest. She was sure the day would come before long where she’d learn that he crashed on the side of the road or drowned in the surf (or perished in a bar, a bottle in his hand, but that scenario only came later, after the tub, after the Phantom, before the card from the Bahamas). She was sure she was not strong enough to carry that, a whole life.</p><p class="p1">So yeah,<em> if </em>someone would put a gun to her head and ask her to pick, she would have always, always picked John B.</p><p class="p1">But if she was complete honest … it would always, <em>always</em> be JJ’s face that flashed before her eyes first.</p>
<hr/><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p1">It was their last summer in the OBX and the sun was shining and the waves were coming in hard and the weed was sweet and they were together, all of them, one last time.</p><p class="p1">They had found the gold and so much more disturbing shit than they had bargained for. Things that set the whole island alight with corruption, known and unknown, murder and tears, manhunts and helicopters, families drifting apart and friends finding each other again.</p><p class="p1">The claiming process was long and convoluted, mostly filled with juridical jargon none of them understood despite Pope trying his best to translate whatever their lawyers said. In the end they won back John B’s freedom, money that was comfortable „medium-Kook“ once evenly divided amongst them, a scholarship for Pope and the respect of their community.</p><p class="p1">They lost fathers, a brother and their innocence in the process. So, the only way to find closure at the night of the sentencing was to light a fire at the Chateau, drink and smoke and dance and laugh.</p><p class="p1">Pope was already out, having smoked a bit too much and snoring softly in the hammock curled into himself with a smile on his face. She kissed his temple and John B put a blanket over him.</p><p class="p1">Sarah was mostly laughing and snorting at the same time, eyes trained to the sky above them and every now and then she brushed away a tear. She lost more than all of them combined, so they had her back because she had theirs.</p><p class="p1">John B was wearing a cap staggeringly balanced on the far back side of his head, blunt hanging from the corner of his mouth, moving his hands and hips to the music with feet planted firmly in one spot.</p><p class="p1">And Kie danced around him, all hips and shimmying shoulders, turning and twirling because she liked the feeling of her long hair brushing against her naked neck and shoulders. She had mixed but today is felt good. She thought she understood why JJ liked it so much: Her vision was wider, her body more present than ever before with not one shred of anxiety.</p><p class="p1">She stumbled backwards, fell into JJ and laughed.</p><p class="p1">He grabbed her hand and twirled her, twirled her, twirled her more and more and more until she completely lost any sense of direction and she reached out and found his shoulders to hold on to. Kie pressed her eyes shut and her face into his chest waiting for the vertigo subsided. JJ laughed in her ear and they were swaying gently from side to side to the music from the boom box, still dancing, his hands light on her hips.</p><p class="p1">(With the benefit of hindsight, Kie knew all of this had started in this moment.)</p><p class="p1">She smelled the smoke of the wood, sea salt, sweat and faint motor oil, a mix so JJ she sighed and let her hands drift along from his shoulders to where they met his neck, his jawline (she really liked that jawline) and into his hair, rough and stringy between her fingers. It was like she had been toeing the line all the time and now, finally went one step too far.</p><p class="p1">She took another nose full and his chest vibrated. His breath was ghosting over her skin as the tip of her nose brushed against his skin as she looked up. The sight shocked her a bit. The white face stark against the night sky, blonde hair tussled, silver scars everywhere which she had never seen before because she’d never been this close before.</p><p class="p1">JJs lips parted, his eyes blue and black and wide with eyebrows scrunched together above them, confused, as he stared down at her.</p><p class="p1">„JJ …“, she said.</p><p class="p1">His eyes flickered and something inside of her chest woke up, fluttered and fought against her muscle and bones and skin to leap free, up her throat, past her tongue to that boy in front of her and Kie leaned in when JJ let go.</p><p class="p1">He held her hand outstretched in the distance between them and like something out of the movies he took a leg, bowed over her hand and brushed his lips against her knuckles.</p><p class="p1">It was not enough. It was too much.</p><p class="p1">He winked at her, all cocky confidence again, confusion gone and he let go. The song changed and John B and Sarahs voices came back to her and JJ danced away and Kie started twirling again.</p>
<hr/><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p1">Saying Goodbye to the OBX was fucking hard. But college blew her mind.</p><p class="p1">She meet Emily on her third day and kissed her on the fifth, at the rager she had invited Kiara along to and Kiara, all wide-eyed-fresher attempting to play cool, fell in desperate love for this girl with her golden toe rings, tattoos, dread locks and brilliant brain.</p><p class="p1">They had a lit seminar on European anarchist writers together. Emily took the class out of conviction while Kiara had just signed up for whatever sprung out to her on first glance.</p><p class="p1">Emily liked to talk about it a lot, and it was hard to follow her intricate thoughts on their reading after they just had sex. Kiaras mind was still so befuddled with that woman in front of her and her new life that was so different from the old one that she could barely catch a thought herself and mostly just listened. She heard herself repeating the things Emily told her back to Louise, her roommate, her other friends at college and the Pogues. Sometimes Emily would pat her head and call her „baby“ when Kiara asked her a question.</p><p class="p1">Sarah called her „pussy drunk“ when they spoke on the phone. John B, because he was John B, didn't understand at first that „seeing a girl“ was not code for „my new bestie“ but stood for „this is a women I go down on and find myself in a committed relationship with“. He got it eventually, though. Pope took it in a stride and actually was more interested in the anarchist theories than the fact that she dated a woman. JJ asked her to send pictures. Kie cussed him out.</p><p class="p1">When she came back to the OBX over Thanksgiving it was like nothing and everything had changed at the same time.</p><p class="p1">The smells and the sounds were still the same, the routines easy to fall back into, helping out in The Wreck during the short off-season high that happened over any kind of holiday, having left over turkey with her parents a day after everybody else.</p><p class="p1">On the other hand she felt her mind had expanded with all the new impressions she’s made, new friends, Emily and with all the new knowledge and ideas she had soaked up. She realized that this is how Pope must have felt the whole time. Because when she spoke about her seminars on Gender theories and intersectional feminism she would look up and see the blank expression in John Bs eyes while he was still trying to appear as if he was listening. JJ had given up all pretense long ago and was working on his fishing rod instead.</p><p class="p1">She was disappointed.</p><p class="p1">They didn’t see what this was doing to her, how she became more and more the person she was meant to be. She grew angry at them that they were not happy for her, that they only wanted to talk about the same old stuff instead, conversations they all had a million times before.</p><p class="p1">She snapped at JJ after a couple of days when she was talking about that book by Foucault she was reading and he just stood up in the middle of her sentence to go inside to grab a beer.</p><p class="p1">„The fuck, JJ, I was talking to you!“</p><p class="p1">„Oh … yeah, I checked out. I was sure you wouldn’t notice“, he shrugged like it didn’t matter.</p><p class="p1">He still had some motor oil smudged on his left temple. He had started working in town after too many people asked him to make repairs on the side and Harry just gave up and formally hired JJ to funnel that stream of custom back to his repair shop.</p><p class="p1">Kiara fumed. „Look, I can just leave if you are so uninterested in having me back here, bro!“</p><p class="p1">He looked up from his beer, face suddenly angry. „I’m not uninterested, Kie. By all means, tell me more about your new friends, the parties, your girlfriend. Yeah I imagine it’s great and stuff! But … you are here now. Just … <em>relax!</em> You use a lot of these complicated words and long sentences like they are suppose to make sense? And this … post … post …“</p><p class="p1">„Postmodern Poststructuralism“, she supplemented.</p><p class="p1">„Yeah, whatever …“, he groaned frustrated, the way he used to do in school when he had no idea how to put his racing thoughts into words, „You use a lot of words and you talk so much, but at the end … you don’t actually say a lot? Nothing much that really matters to like … real life? It’s just big words, Kie.“</p><p class="p1">She stared at him, eyes wide.</p><p class="p1">„It matters a great deal, JJ! These philosophies help us make sense of the world we live in and the structures we’ve built to maintain it! The relationship of power between people and society. It’s … it’s Pogues versus Kooks, JJ! Why some have everything and others have nothing and why it feels like nothing changes, why change is hard, why some people enforce injustices, why some just accept them and other fight against it“, she said out of breath.</p><p class="p1">JJ looked at her, beer in his hand momentarily forgotten. „Really?“, he asked.</p><p class="p1">„Yeah?“</p><p class="p1">„Okay that I understand. That makes sense. Before it was just … gibberish. Look, I’m really glad you enjoy learning about all that shit, but no one of us even knows what you say most of the time since you came back.“</p><p class="p1">„Why … you didn’t say anything?!“</p><p class="p1">„I did! You just weren’t listening. So I stopped“ He snorted and then moved to light a blunt on his lips.</p><p class="p1">„Fine. Whatever. Enjoy!“, Kiara stomped away, called Emily but she only laughed and called her „baby“ again. Kiara didn’t feel good after she hung up so she called Pope who just snorted and said, „Welcome to the Club, Kie.“</p><p class="p1">She groaned and he waved it away.</p><p class="p1">„Look, we come from the same place but it’s different for them. Always has been. They don’t relate to it the same way. It’s the same as us finding fishing not as hot anymore, but they <em>do</em> care about everything that we like, even if they don’t understand it. JJ was stealing me books about biology for a while in school until I made him stop. They were good books, too, actually. That’s what counts, right? They accept us. We accept them. As easy as that.“</p><p class="p1">Kiara felt schooled, and not in a good way. She felt hurt und sidelined for something that was not her fault, because no … it was not easy! They didn’t accept her. JJ judged her.</p><p class="p1">She was frosty to him for the next days. He ignored her right back and only gave her a short hug when the holidays were over.</p><p class="p1">Emily wanted to take a break from their relationship a couple of weeks before Christmas.</p><p class="p1">She said that she had clear ideas of the kind of relationship she wanted to have and Kiara wasn’t there yet. It was not her fault, she just needed to make more experiences first.</p><p class="p1">„Our timing is not right yet, baby.“</p><p class="p1">Kiara locked herself in her room, called Sarah because the last time she cried so hard she thought John B and Sarah had drowned on the Phantom and in her brain this did not compute. There shouldn’t be a similar reaction to thinking two of her best friends died and being dumped, even if it was her first serious girlfriend? But this shit <em>hurt?!?</em></p><p class="p1">She wrote in their Pogues chat group that she and Emily were over. The boys offered their condolences. JJ asked if he needed to beat someone up. Pope answered that he could not just go and beat up a girl. JJ said that Pope may be sexist but he was not sure if that applies here, what was Kies’ opinion on that but yeah, granted, now that he thought about it more he would not like beating up a girl as much as he would totally be ready to beat up any kind of boyfriend Kie might need beat up at some point. Was that sexist too?</p><p class="p1">She called him.</p><p class="p1">He was confused hearing from her but took it in a stride. „Maybe I can trip her? Egg her car or something, you know … that kind of thing.“</p><p class="p1">„Shit, JJ. I was such an arrogant bitch last time we talked.“</p><p class="p1">He was quiet for a couple of moments. „’S okay.“</p><p class="p1">„JJ…“</p><p class="p1">„Look, I know I’m not like Pope and you. You guys are so smart! You … you were always meant for this, learning and leaving the Cut behind for good. And that’s super cool. Honestly, I … I just … have a hard time following sometimes, ’s all.“</p><p class="p1">Kiara felt even worse than before. „You don’t have to apologize for that.“ , she said. <em>But you can leave too?</em>, she thought.</p><p class="p1">„Mmh … you were arrogant though.“</p><p class="p1">„Okay.“</p><p class="p1">„When are you coming back home?“</p><p class="p1">She buried her face in the cushion. She liked that word. <em>Home.</em></p><p class="p1">„Soon. Tell me about the surf at the OBX.“</p><p class="p1">He did until she feel asleep.</p>
<hr/><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p1">Kie wasn’t sure what she expected exactly when she returned for Christmas.</p><p class="p1">Exams have been brutal, seeing Emily again on campus had been brutal‚ and she was exhausted. But she was also excited to come back to the island, her home, to her Pogues.</p><p class="p1">To JJ.</p><p class="p1">They had been texting and calling constantly the last weeks.</p><p class="p1">Kiara had send him application after application for surf competitions - something JJ had always talked about doing when he had not money to pay the starting fees. He was good enough to go Pro but it had always been more of a pipe dream. Now JJ’s reaction was restrained at best. But he indulged her as they spoke on the phone long and late, falling asleep to each others voices.</p><p class="p1">She found herself thinking of him first, texting him first, complaining to him first. She had no idea what was happening to them. But it felt like some massive shift, some kind of seismic activity. Something that everyone must feel too but the rest of them were just their regular selves and JJ didn’t really act any different either? When they reunited, he hugged her for a moment. Then he pulled her in a headlock and knuckled her scalp.</p><p class="p1">It was hardly seismic.</p><p class="p1">The more she thought about it the more confused she got because this was <em>JJ</em>.</p><p class="p1">Yeah, there had been moments in the past. But he was still the only Pogue who didn’t try macking her during school. That Maybank kid with more dumb luck than sense. Who fought hard when she joined their group of friends and who had accepted her abandoning them with an icy indifference like he had always known that something like this would happen. The stoner who fought her every step of the way <em>again</em> when she returned, tail tucked.</p><p class="p1">He was also the one with the easy touches, the constant flirting, the heated gazes (like she said … there had been <em>moments</em>). The one who stepped in front of guns for his friends, who went to jail for his friends.</p><p class="p1">Maybe it had really always been more about the boobs for him and less her person that they were attached to?</p><p class="p1">Kie tried to block it out.</p><p class="p1">But she couldn’t help but glance over to him from the side. Feeling a burning sensation in her neck like he was watching her too. Was that brush of a finger when he handed her the beer bottle on purpose? Or just an accident? Was he actually texting her more than he was texting John B? Or Pope, when he was off to college?</p><p class="p1">She had no idea.</p><p class="p1">She became jumpy when he walked past her or reached out for her. She tried to laugh it away but of course he noticed, frowned, kept his distance and Kie was frustrated because <em>Thank God!</em> but also <em>No, don’t! </em></p><p class="p1">She decided all of this must be a reaction to her break up. Just some primal instinct that had her looking for a new partner asap, a rebound who was the total opposite of Emily: non-academic, chill, in possession of a penis.</p><p class="p1">Someone where she would be the superior one for a change.</p><p class="p1">That thought left a bad aftertaste in her mouth. She repressed the urge to call him and apologize for having thought it in the first place. Instead, she distanced herself even more in the days leading up to Christmas. So much that John B asked if she and JJ fought again.</p><p class="p1">„Again?“</p><p class="p1">„Yeah … he was really down after Thanksgiving. Said you had a fight and that he might have said some shit and that you ignored him because of that.“</p><p class="p1">„I … it wasn’t a fight. Per se.“</p><p class="p1">„Okay?“</p><p class="p1">„No, it's not … it's not JJ. Its … it’s just weird being back.“, she sighed, leaning against the counter of The Wreck, looking at her best friend.</p><p class="p1">„I never thought everything would change so much when I left, you know? I don’t know what I expected, honestly. Maybe that everything would freeze here, waiting, being ready for whenever I wanted it back again? That I wouldn’t change myself while being away? How naive!“</p><p class="p1">„Dude …“, he sounded unsure.</p><p class="p1">„Look, it's not bad or anything. I was not fair to JJ and I don’t know how to explain to him why.“</p><p class="p1">„Well, he is a simple guy. He flies off the handle one minute and then is fine again the next. Yeah, he is mean bastard who holds grudges like its his job, but not with us. Not for you. Whatever you said … or did … he’ll be fine.“</p><p class="p1">He took her hand and squeezed but it didn’t help. She was lying awake, thinking back to the last couple of weeks. Then she went back further.</p><p class="p1">Dances on the HMS. Lazy arms thrown carelessly around her shoulders at the boneyard. Hot tears against her shoulder in a hot tub. And endless string of girls she waved goodbye at the Chateau. Laughing promises that she was the only one for him at the end of the day. Mocking hands pressed against his heart whenever she pushed him away.</p><p class="p1">And then there were those two months before she went to college.</p><p class="p1">That moment at the bonfire, and after that more glances, longer glances. Hidden touches underneath tables or blankets or in the water, knees bumping, feet toying, hands catching. Sentences that were started but never finished. Hugs held a moment too long. The hard kiss with chapped lips to her cheek when she said goodbye.</p><p class="p1">Not more.</p><p class="p1">Not less either.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Fuck. </em>
</p><p class="p1">She would need to talk to him.</p>
<hr/><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p1">It was Christmas Eve, out of all days.</p><p class="p1">Sarah and Pope would be tied up in family business, and since Sarah had threatened to smother John B with a pillow would he ever force her to go to her stepmother alone again, all of them would be leaving the place to JJ until late in the night.</p><p class="p1">She texted and asked if he wanted to have beers.</p><p class="p1">The typing bubbles immediately appeared, then vanished. Appeared for seconds that stretched into a minute, then vanished again. Eventually it was only a clipped <em>Sure</em>. Kie winced and brought an extra six pack along as well as a Wreck Burger with fries to blackmail herself entry to the house.</p><p class="p1">„Do you need my help drag away a corpse or something?“, JJ asked, side eying the six pack with suspicion.</p><p class="p1">„I’m just being a decent guest, JJ“, her voice was high and made her answer sound more like a question. But being not one to turn down free food, JJ inhaled her offerings regardless.</p><p class="p1">„Does that mean you are finally talking to me again?“, he asked her once he finished, „What’d I do this time?“</p><p class="p1">He sounded resigned. Kie was looking for a way to explain it away without sounding like an asshole. There was none.</p><p class="p1">Kie actually stammered. „It’s …not … I’m just fucked over Emily is all.“ </p><p class="p1">It was not technically a wrong answer. That was <em>a</em> problem, but not <em>the</em> problem.</p><p class="p1">JJ went to the fridge, „Sure. Girl did a number on you. Doesn’t explain why you flinch when I’m close.“</p><p class="p1">„JJ …“</p><p class="p1">„Did … something get into your head that I … because I would never, Kie! That comment in the chat, I wasn’t thinking, okay? But I would never …“, he sounded afraid and it took her an embarrassing long time to make the connection.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Oh fuck!</em>
</p><p class="p1">„No, no, no! JJ, that’s not … I didn’t think about that at all. I know you never touch … it’s just …“ she stopped, tried to find the words. Failed. Grew angry.</p><p class="p1">„This isn’t about Emily. Or what you said in that chat. It’s just … I … <em>Are we never going to talk about it?!</em>“, she finally erupted.</p><p class="p1">JJ looked up surprised, „Talk about what?“</p><p class="p1">„This?! All of last summer? The past few weeks? What is happening here?!“, she gestured at them.</p><p class="p1">JJ stared at her, face suddenly void of any expression. That’s how she knew that she was not completely off the bat, the tension not just a figment of her imagination and that JJ knew exactly what she meant.</p><p class="p1">It was the face he’d wear when he was bracing himself for a fight he knew he couldn’t win.</p><p class="p1">„Nothing to talk about“, he answered finally.</p><p class="p1">„Something changed, JJ!“</p><p class="p1">„Look Kie … no reason to stir the waters, okay? Just forget it“, he tried to avoid her eyes, wanted to just walk around her. Flee the room, house, the island perhaps. But somehow emboldened now that she had started, Kie didn’t let him. He tried to sidestep her multiple time before he gave up, slamming the bottle back on the kitchen counter untouched.</p><p class="p1">„Kie, I’m sorry okay, I’ll stop, I’ll do whatev…“, he groaned, but she grabbed his T-Shirt. He crashed into her and she pulled his mouth to hers, ungracefully, nose and teeth first, pressure too hard because she was nervous.</p><p class="p1">She was shaking. She was kissing JJ.</p><p class="p1">But JJ was right there, fast as always and catching up with her in an instant. His hands came up to cup her face and to dig into her hair. The next thing was her pushing up underneath his white shirt, her fingertips following the ridges of his spine, her hands palming the flesh of his side and JJ honest to God growled into her open mouth.</p><p class="p1">He pulled her up by her ass, hand digging in sharply and together they fell onto his bed in a ripping of clothes and shoes and kissing lips, fingering every piece of naked flesh they could find. When she took his penis into her hand and nipped his bottom lip at the same time he growled again.</p><p class="p1">„Do that again“, he said. She did and tucked a bit and his eyes blew wide.</p><p class="p1">His hands returned the favor, ring deep inside of her, curling until she couldn’t keep her legs apart anymore. They fucked almost desperately, interrupted by odd moments of tender touching, laughing and kissing and JJ conversationally blurting out whatever came into his head.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>„I knew that was a mole you had down there!“ („JJ, focus!“)</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>„Where do all these red marks on your breasts come from?“ („It’s just this wire bra, I swear its like a fucking weapon!“)</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>„Don’t break it off, you’ll still need it later.“ („Ugh!“)</em>
</p><p class="p1">She came riding him, pressing herself against his thighs and was barely aware he was moving her onto her back until he started thrusting again. He pressed his forehead against her neck and she kissed the shell of his ear until he shuddered, sinking down next to her.</p><p class="p1">For a while they were only breathing, harsh with beating hearts.</p><p class="p1">„That was …“, JJ began.</p><p class="p1"><em>Stupidstupidstupid! Oh God what have I done?!</em> Kiara finished in her head.</p><p class="p1">„… hot!“, he ended, and Kie stopped short.</p><p class="p1">She turned her head and looked at him, arm thrown over his eyes, laughing a little bit crooked as if he was unsure but did not want to show it.</p><p class="p1">„Yeah“ she said, because <em>yes</em>. Her legs were jelly, her brain was in overdrive, her core slick and sore, her heart clenched in her chest. But all she wanted was to do <em>that</em> again. And again. And again. With JJ.</p><p class="p1">He sat up suddenly, „How late is it? Did the others come back? You hear?“</p><p class="p1"><em>How?,</em> she thought. „Shit“, she said.</p><p class="p1">The Chateau had thin walls and JJs bed creaked when you just looked at it. But before she could say anything or freak out, he was up, stepping into some boxers that were lying on the floor and cast her a look before slowly opening the bedroom door.</p><p class="p1">Kiara held her breath while she heard him inching through the house. She grabbed her sweater and her panties and was pulling them on when he came back.</p><p class="p1">He stood there for a moment, before he cleared his throat and said, „Coast’s clear“.</p><p class="p1">He was keeping the door open with his body. For her exit.</p><p class="p1">„JJ, I …“, she gathered her pants, her shoes, not knowing how to end this particular sentence when he reached for her, softly holding her against the door frame with a light hand against her belly. He kissed her with closed lips. Long, but not too long. Soft, but not too soft.</p><p class="p1">JJ let go, took a step back and said, „Don’t overthink it.“</p><p class="p1">Kie stared at him, smiling at her in a way that suggested that he was totally fine. She wanted to hug him. Kiss him again.</p><p class="p1">Instead she said „See you later“ and ran away.</p>
<hr/><p class="p4"> </p><p class="p1">The same way they didn't talk about all the awkward tension before they also didn’t talk about what happened afterwards.</p><p class="p1">It's not like Kie avoided JJ. It was the holidays after all.</p><p class="p1">The Heywards had a huge tradition with extended family and roasted birds on Christmas Day where JJ had become a fixture in the past two years. His attendance there was non-negotiable. The days after were high time for The Wreck, so she was busy working and being with her parents while the rest of the Pogues were busy working and being with their parents/parent replacements.</p><p class="p1">So she really had no chance whatsoever at sitting JJ down to explain to him why what had happened could not happen again. Why it was a mistake, a glitch. Too much was on the line. She was rebounding, he was worth more than that.</p><p class="p1">The idea of starting something with JJ frightened the living shit out of her. It wasn’t his style and the consequences would be too great when it failed. When, not if.</p><p class="p1">They didn’t text.</p><p class="p1">But it was a small island and she was working in one of the most popular places to go off-season. So when she was coming out of the kitchen a couple of days later carrying an order for a Kook table she saw the whole of the Pogues gathered around at the bar. Pope was laughing, John B was filling his coffee cup to the brink with sugar and JJ was making fucking conversation with her dad.</p><p class="p1">Flashes of JJs hands, sounds and dick had been haunting her with vengeance the previous days and nights and seeing him live and in the flesh made a part of her brain chanting <em>Again. Again. Again</em>.</p><p class="p1">She greeted them in a roundabout way, found things that would keep her busy, the kitchen already empty and she generally forgot about her conundrum for a moment while battling the drainage of the dishwasher when JJ shouted from the main room „Kie, where is the cling film?“</p><p class="p1">Without thinking she answered „Kitchen, top drawer, right side“ before she realized she had been tricked. JJ knew exactly where the cling film was stored. Slow she turned to see him standing in the kitchen, the doors still swinging. </p><p class="p1">„I told you, don’t overthink it“, he huffed, ruffling through his hair before placing the cap back on.</p><p class="p1">„I …“</p><p class="p1">„Cling film?“, he interrupted her.</p><p class="p1">She pointed.</p><p class="p1">„Thanks.“ He had the audacity to wink at her while leaving the kitchen.</p><p class="p1">John B talked her into coming with them to the Chateau with the promise that Sarah would be there. At the house, Kie avoided looking at the kitchen counter. They were drinking beers, all expect JJ.</p><p class="p1">„I can’t drink tonight.“</p><p class="p1">„Words we thought we never hear out of JJ’s mouth“, Pope howled laughing.</p><p class="p1">„Mrs H made a doctors appointment for me tomorrow. Told me that I cannot be hangover or she’ll have my skin. Your mom is a scary woman, Pope.“</p><p class="p1">„Tell me something I don’t know.“</p><p class="p1">„What doctor?“, asked Kie and JJs eyes burned into her for a second.</p><p class="p1">He rubbed his neck. „Just … a doctor. For my head.“</p><p class="p1">They stilled. They had always known about JJs headaches and his weed-based self medication, but it took them a long time to connect those to his father crashing him into things like walls and doors or the floor throughout his childhood.</p><p class="p1">„Cool“, she said and later she stood up, stretching her back until something popped. „Since you are sober … can you drive me home?“</p><p class="p1">Might as well bite the bullet.</p><p class="p1">He looked at her for a second, then shrugged and pocketed his zippo lighter while she said goodbye to the sleepy John B, Sarah and Pope. When she stepped into the car he was already playing with the radio control.</p><p class="p1">„John B will kill you if you change the station again, JJ.“</p><p class="p1">„Driver’s choice“, he quipped and it took a couple of moments until he was satisfied with some mallow reggae beats softly in the background.</p><p class="p1">„Do we need to talk about it?“, she asked, finally.</p><p class="p1">He sighed. „Whatever, Kie.“</p><p class="p1">„How can you not have an opinion about this?“</p><p class="p1">„I have the opinion that the sex was hot and I rather want to poke some harmless fun at you every once and a while for breaking your precious rule instead of talking it to death.“ He snorted suddenly, „Haha … <em>poking</em>.“</p><p class="p1">„You are an idiot.“</p><p class="p1">„Still popular with the ladies. I have testaments.“</p><p class="p1">„Testimonials.“</p><p class="p1">„Yeah, those“, he turned onto the dark road speeding away from the Cut towards Figure 8.</p><p class="p1">Kie looked at him, a cap perched on the back of his head with the hair underneath moving in the cold wind that came through the open slit of the window, one arm extended to the wheel, forearm flexing. He had that dammed smirk on his face.</p><p class="p1">„So, Kie …“, he looked at her after a couple of moments, eyes dark, lashes long, „… what’s it gonna be?“</p><p class="p1">Kie stared at the empty road ahead. Then she moved over, pressing her mouth to his neck and palming him over his jeans.</p><p class="p1">„Holy shit!“, he shouted and swerved the car about a bit before he came full stop on the dark side of the road. „Give a man a warning next time, would you?!“</p><p class="p1">Kie let go and took off her sweater instead. JJ was there to kiss her stupid when she emerged again, pulling her into his lap. She brushed his cap away to get her hands into his hair.</p><p class="p1">„Is this a thing now?“, he whispered later when she leaned back so he could reach inside of her pants to cup her.</p><p class="p1">„Just … don’t overthink it, okay?“, she gasped, head thrown as she was riding his fingers. He snorted, which should have ruined the mood but she was too far gone to care. Because they had no condom with them, they went down on each other in the back seat of the bus.</p><p class="p1">When JJ eventually parked in front of her parents house, only the lights of the lamp posts were still on and he pulled her in again, kissing her with closed lips and eyes.</p><p class="p1">Kie winked, wished him good luck for his doctors appointment and closed the car door behind her.</p><p class="p1">They snuck about for the next couple of days. At first, Kie refused to use the Chateau again, in her mind having scraped by disaster so closely the first time. They were all working on New Years and meet up for their traditional Pogue bonfire on the evening of the first. When everyone was asleep, JJ pulled her into the bathroom and they fucked short and fast against the door, Kie sucking on his fingers to mute her moans, JJs eyes soaking in the view.</p><p class="p1">He hugged her when she said farewell to them all the next day and didn’t look back once when she did.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Made some last minute changes, now we are at a whooping 14k of creative outburst. Have fun!</p><p>Pt 2</p><p>Zusammen im Kreis - Chapeau Claque<br/>Did it to myself - Orla Garland<br/>Sex and Candy - Unions<br/>Without Fear - Dermot Kennedy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">It was like Kiara lived two lives.</p><p class="p1">Kie was on the island, hanging out with her friends, working at The Wreck, a pattern that was familiar, comfortable and well-worn like her Converse. Boring on occasion and unchallenging, so she smoked weed, surfed, waited on tables, wrote songs on her Uke and fucked one of her best friends on the side, both of them just shrugging it away like it means nothing.</p><p class="p1">Kiara was college. High strung, exciting and exhausting at the same time. Exciting because of the different people she met and the causes she debated, inspired by the new things she learned. Exhausting because the majority of people she met she never saw again, the causes of her student groups barely leading to any action and most of the things she was taught were focussed around the next exam, leading students to cram for their grade only, everything almost forgotten again once they put the pencil down.</p><p class="p1">Her college friends begged her to come with them on Spring Break and Kiara only grimaced at the thought. She grew up in a Spring Break town with its hordes of horny and loaded mainlanders migrating into and over the town like locusts for two weeks, drinking the island empty and throwing everything up again on the side of the roads.She spend her spring breaks organizing beach clean-ups, carrying hair of the dog around The Wreck and cussing out sunburned, entitled All-American Boys with wandering hands.</p><p class="p1">No, she would not join the party goers, but instead go back to the OBX working class and do the same thing all over again. Kiara really rather go traveling somewhere to take a break after exams, dancing the stress away. Kie missed her boys, missed the water and falling asleep high with the sounds of John B and JJ bickering and Pope trying to mediate. Kie missed spending a night without outdoing each other, dropping names, bragging with internships and wokeness.</p><p class="p1">She didn’t tell her parents that she would arrive a day earlier. Once she stepped foot on the small, ratty ferry that would carry her across, it felt like a knot was loosing between her shoulder blades. She breathed in the brackish smell of salt water from the harbor, the burning oil from the motor a sharp tinge.</p><p class="p1">„Hi.“</p><p class="p1">She turned at the familiar voice and JJ was standing behind her, top part of his dark blue overall tied around his hips under one of his signature cut off T Shirt. His hair has gotten longer. A surprised smile split her face.</p><p class="p1">„You are early.“</p><p class="p1">„You were on the mainland?“</p><p class="p1">„Harry lets me do off-island stuff now.“</p><p class="p1">„Promotion?“</p><p class="p1">„Nah, just bus boy work. Come here.“ He opened his arms and she ran into them, a childish laugh carried away by the strong wind as he whirled her around once. He was firm and familiar under her hands and she felt him press his nose into her neck, breathing in. She kissed his cheek. „I wanted to surprise them.“</p><p class="p1">„Well, I’m surprised too.“</p><p class="p1">They leaned against the rail together, catching up. Kiara watched JJs lips moving, suddenly remembering how they felt between her legs and she shuddered. Blamed it on the wind when he noticed. They sat down on one of the benches instead, still talking the same shit as always like no time had passed until it amicably faded away, just sitting next to each other looking out to the ocean around them.</p><p class="p1">Kie had her feet propped up on the bench when she felt it. She looked down where JJs finger tips were brushing the inside of her ankle. Her head snapped up but he wasn’t noticing her while scrolling through his phone. It seemed like just something his body was doing on its own, like the tapping out a beat on a table top, the bouncing of a leg, all his restless energy contained in too small a vessel.</p><p class="p1">Kie leaned her head back, trying to ignore the soft strokes and the heat they caused. They were really good at ignoring whatever <em>this</em> was - … was it a friends with benefits-situation? Was is more? Was it just boredom, something to do while will she was on-island? Until the newness of it would eventually fade away?</p><p class="p1">Absentmindedly, JJs fingers wandered up and down her ankle and for a while that was okay too until he caught on her skin with his nail and softly scratched along her calf. Kie took a sharp breath, goosebumps erupting everywhere and JJ jerked up like he just woke from a trance, finding his fingers on her leg and Kie with blown pupils staring at him.</p><p class="p1">With a devilish laughter he moved his fingers up her calf to the soft insides of her upper thighs, continuing the stroking motions there and she huffed.</p><p class="p1">„I hate you.“</p><p class="p1">„You love it.“</p><p class="p1">It. Not him.</p><p class="p1">„So, I do so happened to have the key to the machi…“ he started but she interrupted him immediately, „No happening, Maybank.“</p><p class="p1">„Fair enough“, he shrugged and gave her a gentle pinch dangerously close to the edge of her cut offs and let go. She huffed again in frustration.</p><p class="p1">JJ had the tow truck parked at the dock and offered her a ride to The Wreck. „Look what the sea dragged in, Mr. C“, he announced loudly when they stepped into the restaurant and he watched her reunion with her father leaning against the bar, smiling.</p><p class="p1">Her dad scolded her gently for not telling him she would come sooner. When he offered JJ some food to take back to the garage without being prompted by Kie, she frowned but said nothing.</p><p class="p1">JJ accepted, of course, and swinging the trucks key on his finger he turned to her, „Catch up at the Chateau tonight? John B is at Sarah’s in Chapel Hill, but he did leave some beers in the fridge.“</p><p class="p1">Kie nodded and JJ waved goodbye, then sauntered off. She turned to her dad. „Since when are you nice to JJ?“</p><p class="p1">He rolled his eyes at her, „He is a good kid.“</p><p class="p1">Kie pretended to clutch at imaginary pearls.</p><p class="p1">„I have the right to change my mind about someone, you know? He is still a deviant, smokes too much. Drives his piece of a shit bike too fast. But he is pulling his weight. No reason to not be civil.“</p><p class="p1">„Whatever you say“, she kissed him on the cheek.</p><p class="p1">JJ was not back yet when she arrived at the Chateau so she let herself in, grabbed a beer, started a fire in the yard when she heard the bike pull up. He was not wearing a helmet (She would scold him later for that) and just said „Fucking Finally“ as she jumped into his arms the second time that day, now with her legs locked around his waist and her mouth on his.</p><p class="p1">They didn’t make it inside the first time around. They drank the beer he had promised her just clad in shorts (JJ) and an old pelican shirt (Kie) in front of the fire before heading to his room where he praised her mouth and she let him suck a hickey in the spot that he pinched earlier on the ferry.</p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Spring break was always one of the busiest times, a short two weeks of crazy extra shifts and little sleep. Kie got massive tips at The Wreck, all of which she saved up for her trip to Thailand in summer. She and her room mate Louise have been talking about it since they met on the first day in fall. They had booked their tickets before Kiara left for home and Louise for Cancun.</p><p class="p1">Kie didn’t feel comfortable touching the gold money for extra expenses. None of them did really, despite some initial larger spendings that had been made: JJ’s restitution of course, John B buying the Chateau from Uncle T, Kie paying off the mortgage of The Wreck for her parents, Popes budget for living costs at college not covered by the scholarship. That rest was sitting snuggly on bank accounts in their names whenever they were ready.</p><p class="p1">They weren’t there yet.</p><p class="p1">JJ had not send any application for the competitions she told him about.</p><p class="p1">Instead he was working most days in the garage and manned the emergency phone most nights as well. He was barely drinking anymore, something she was not quite sure was connected to the extra hours and extra cash of towing drunk Spring Breakers back onto the roads at any hour of the night, an apparent run-in with his dad that happened after she left in January and that John B told her about only vaguely, or the elusive doctors appointment he had. He was still smoking a lot, but she also found prescription pills on his name. She didn’t look up what they were for.</p><p class="p1">The two of them had become quite versed in finding odd moments of time away from the other Pogues and Sarah, away from their respective jobs as well as making use of the limited places at their disposal: The backseat of any car, The Wreck when she had the closing shift and on one memorable occasion in Harry’s office at the garage that convinced Kie once and for all that she had a kink for hair pulling and probably also the smell of motor oil.</p><p class="p1">(„Dude, I think I had feelings for you for just a moment there“, she huffed, sweaty forehead pressed against the desk table. JJ just laughed and leaned down to kiss her between her shoulder blades.)</p><p class="p1">She got an UTI the second week and when she texted JJ he called her in distress.</p><p class="p1">„Kie, I swear!! I never did it without, I mean the last time before was sometime in … I mean, I … it’s been a while to be honest, I’m not sure when exactly, but never, never without, I promise! I don’t know what happened! What do you need, I don't feel anything but I’m not sure, do you need meds, I pay for them!“</p><p class="p1">She realized that no girl stuck around long enough - by her or by JJ’s choice - to get him familiar with the natural process of bacterial exchange that happened when you go from zero penetration to a lot of penetration in a short period of time.</p><p class="p1">He relaxed but still made sure there was enough tea at the Chateau for her. He called her from one of his off-island jobs and complained about the overpriced cranberry juice he found in an all organic grocery store and how „fucking unfair“ it was this was not available on the island, also was the price because of the „organic fruits mafia“ or what that some pink tax-shit she told him about?</p><p class="p1">The Pogues celebrated their last night of Spring with Pope set to leave in the morning. Her parents and she went off-island to visit her mothers’ family on her last day and Kie grew anxious. She still needed to pack and she already missed the breeze while she was sitting in the air conditioned house of her aunt, sipping sweet lemonade. She and her parents left late and arrived at the dock just in time for the last ferry. Kie texted the group that she would not be able to make it to the Chateau again before she had to take her flight back to college the next day.</p><p class="p1">John B send a sad emoji, Sarah called her a <em>flacky b</em> with a wink emoji and JJ just send <em>ok</em>. To say she was disappointed by their reactions was an understatement.</p><p class="p1">When they arrived home, Kie was sweating and stressed, with mosquito bites all over her legs and without a word she rushed to her room. Her parents knocked to remind her that they needed to leave early in the morning to make the airport with time to spare as if she didn’t knew herself. It was late and she was frustrated with all the clothes thrown about, smelling faintly of JJs weed, the frying grease of The Wreck and John Bs Axe Spray (because he was not fucking paying attention to his fucking surrounding when he was fucking dosing himself in it). She realized she forgot one of her favorite Kildare Shirts at the Chateau after they went surfing a couple of days ago and almost started to cry.</p><p class="p1">She liked to sleep in it when she was on campus. She remembered that Emily had made fun of her because it was threadbare and had holes. It was the only thing where Kiara had never given her an inch.</p><p class="p1">Kie had just dumped her backpack out on the floor again, frustrated, when something clicked against her window. She looked out and saw JJ standing in her yard, finger to his lips and waving her shirt. She opened the back door for him and they snuck upstairs, careful to avoid the creaking step.</p><p class="p1">„You forgot this“, he said and threw himself on her bed in total disregard of all the clothes that were spread across it. Kie realized that JJ hadn’t been to her room since that god-awful summer of the gold.</p><p class="p1">„How is the family?“</p><p class="p1">„Living in hell, only sustained by artificial winds from an AC machine.“</p><p class="p1">„Sweet. Here, you forgot that too“, he pulled something out of his pocket and grinned. Kie looked deadpan at the panty in his hands.</p><p class="p1">„How do you know it's mine?“, she asked, maybe sharper than necessary and JJ only blinked once in confusion before putting on his suave smirk again.</p><p class="p1">„When Sarah does laundry its only bright, frilly shit. I like your approach better: just go without.“</p><p class="p1">„I can promise you I did <em>not</em> go without.“</p><p class="p1">„You don’t want it back? Cool, my trophy then“, he moved to put the panty back into his pocket when Kie snatched it out of his hands and he laughed.</p><p class="p1">„You are an asshole.“</p><p class="p1">„So you keep telling me“, he smiled at her and her skin felt like it was too small to contain everything that was going on inside of her: sudden bursts of happiness, dread, confusion most of all. She wanted to shout at him, shake him.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>What are we doing, JJ, what the fuck are we doing, where does this lead, why won’t you talk to me?</em>
</p><p class="p1">But before she could open her mouth JJs hand moved behind her hair to cup her neck and softly pulled her to him into a long kiss.</p><p class="p1">„Don’t overthink it, Kie“, he whispered against her lips, looking her deep into the eyes. The more he said it to her, the more it felt like he was actually meaning something else. But before she could ask he moved to stand up, „I leave you to packing.“</p><p class="p1">„No“, she said, pushing him onto his back, bracketing his head with her arms.</p><p class="p1">„What about your parents?“, he murmured against her lips, hands roaming.</p><p class="p1">„Make me come quietly then“, she challenged.</p><p class="p1">What followed was something different entirely.</p><p class="p1">JJ was deep inside of her, too deep, she would never be able to come like this, but she didn’t care. All she cared was the slow, lazy rutting, the brush of his body over hers, slick with sweat, his hair underneath her fingertips, theirs hands locked above her head, lips fused together. She never wanted it to stop, so she told him.</p><p class="p1">„Don’t stop.“</p><p class="p1">„Never.“</p><p class="p1">„Fuck, JJ … I … <em>fuck</em>.“</p><p class="p1">„I know. I know“, he whispered into her ear.</p><p class="p1">It was low and sweet, no explosion, no stars. It was a sigh, a kiss to her temple, a soft shudder of his shoulders and something wet against her neck where he had pressed his face.</p><p class="p1">She watched him dress from her bed, favorite shirt on. Whenever their eyes met he smiled. He pulled on his boots, then lifted his fingers to a frame, peaking through at her with one eye pinched together. „Mental polaroid“, he announced and leaned in to kiss her again.</p><p class="p1">„Want me to climb out of your window like in the movies?“, he asked against her lips.</p><p class="p1">„No! You’ll only break something. Please use the stairs.“</p><p class="p1">„If you father finds me and kills me, it's on you. Write that on my grave stone.“</p><p class="p1">„Fair enough.“</p><p class="p1">„Bye, Kie.“</p><p class="p1">She looked into his eyes, took a breath. JJ stared back with an expression she couldn’t read but made her sad. She wanted to reach out again, hold him, ask him to stay the night, come back to college with her. </p><p class="p1"><em>Don’t overthink it. Don’t overthink it. Don’t overthink it, </em>she reminded herself.</p><p class="p1">She winked and said, „See you in summer.“</p><p class="p1">He winked too and snuck out.</p><p class="p1">She stared into her empty room. Went to the bathroom and took a shower. Kiara threw everything in the backpack, no longer bothering with the chaos of it.</p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Kiara guessed that all those love songs really did warn her that first love was a bitch.</p><p class="p1">Emily was in one of her new lit seminars and asked her for coffee afterwards. „To catch up“, she said. They ended up in her house and after, as she pulled one of Kiaras curls around her fingers, Emily said, „You changed.“</p><p class="p1">„I feel the same.“</p><p class="p1">„Oh baby …“</p><p class="p1">„Please don’t call me that?“</p><p class="p1">„Why not?“</p><p class="p1">„I don’t like it.“</p><p class="p1">„Okay. If that is what you want, you should have said something earlier.“</p><p class="p1">„Yeah.“</p><p class="p1">Kiara got dressed and left with an excuse of an early class. Her hands were shaking when she pulled out her phone and dialed JJs number. The phone rang and rang and no one picked up for a while until finally she heard the sign and then a long grunt, muffled by what sounded like a cushion.</p><p class="p1">„I’m sleeping.“</p><p class="p1">„JJ?“</p><p class="p1">„I’m still sleeping.“</p><p class="p1">„JJ, I …“, Kiara stopped short, looked around the dark, empty campus and had not idea what she wanted to tell him.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I called to confess, I just had sex with my ex. Emily broke my heart and I’m scared and happy at the same time. I wish I could get high with you right now. Why does it feel like I cheated when we never agreed to be exclusive? What am I to you? What are you to me?</em>
</p><p class="p1">„’still there?“, JJ asked, voice still muffled.</p><p class="p1">„Yeah, I just …“</p><p class="p1">„Something happened?“ Suddenly he sounded clearer, louder, a bit alarmed perhaps.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I miss you so much it hurts sometimes.</em>
</p><p class="p1">„It’s fine, I just … wanted to tell you that, I don’t know, I … the term already sucks.“</p><p class="p1">JJ yawned. „I’m gonna be real honest with you: You can talk about it but I will probably fall asleep.“</p><p class="p1">Kie laughed. „Fair enough. Get back to bed, loser.“</p><p class="p1">„Never left it, baby.“</p><p class="p1">She swallowed hard. „Can you not call me that? Please.“</p><p class="p1">JJ was silent for a moment. „Sure, yeah. Sorry, just slipped out.“</p><p class="p1">„I just … I don’t like it.“</p><p class="p1">„Yeah, no worries.“</p><p class="p1">„Thanks, JJ. Good night.“</p><p class="p1">„Night, Kie.“</p><p class="p1">He hung up.</p><p class="p1">Kiara ignored her frustration with JJ by continuing to sleep with Emily. She didn’t tell any of the Pogues and she definitely didn’t tell JJ. But Louise caught on and gave her a stern talking to. („You felt like shit last time. Why are you doing this to yourself?“)</p><p class="p1">Kiara could hardly tell her that she might have fallen for one of her best friends who avoided any serious conversation about their situation like a cat avoided water. It was fucking with her mind a whole new way because this was potentially way more destructive than any relationship with Emily could be.</p><p class="p1">She has gotten good with dealing with the lesser evil at this point.</p><p class="p1">Everything imploded when she stayed over at Emily’s before the end of summer term and when emerging from the bathroom she saw her with Kiaras phone on her ear.</p><p class="p1">„One moment, Kiara is just coming back from the shower“ she said, then pressed the phone against her chest and whispered, „Sorry, but it was ringing non-stop. I figured it was an emergency. It’s your friend JJ.“</p><p class="p1">Kiara froze. Emily pushed her phone into her hand.</p><p class="p1">„Kie.“ He sounded so unlike JJ she started shaking.</p><p class="p1">„JJ, I been meaning …“</p><p class="p1">„Yeah, I … forget it. I … Sorry I called. I just …“, she heard sirens in the background, fading in and out.</p><p class="p1">„JJ, what happened? What are those sirens? Are you alright?“</p><p class="p1">„Nah, just some tourons you know … can’t hold their own. Nah, I’m … just high.“, he cleared his throat and then laughed loud, his voice suddenly firm and light again. JJ had always been the best liar among them.</p><p class="p1">„Forget it, just wanted to bitch about … you know. The usual. Bad weed, gotta kick Cripples ass for that. Forget it, Kie. I, well, see you soon. Have fun!“</p><p class="p1">„JJ!“</p><p class="p1">He ended the call and wouldn’t pick up when she tried him again. She checked her phone log and saw that he had tried calling her five times before. Emily apologized for picking up her phone.</p><p class="p1">„Yeah …I understand.“ Kiara felt hollow. Her hands wouldn’t stop shaking.</p><p class="p1">„Are you sleeping with him?“</p><p class="p1">Kiara stared at her. Then she nodded.</p><p class="p1">„Look, I don’t mind. I told you to make new experiences. I mean … not sure he is okay with me though, he sounded off.“ Emily snorted, „Men are usually very possessive. I hope for you he is different. Oh baby, no need to cry.“</p><p class="p1">The tears had come so quickly and so quiet, Kiara didn’t even notice the burning in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away and left, repeatedly trying to reach JJ and even John B when JJ wouldn’t pick up. He didn’t call her back and when John B did he only said he was in Chapel Hill with Sarah, but then texted her that he spoke to JJ and he was okay. He didn’t offer any more details.</p><p class="p1">Eventually JJ just send back a text declaring he was fine.</p><p class="p1">The days after followed with excuses of <em>just bad weed</em>, <em>dead phone</em>, <em>busy cant talk rn</em>. He wouldn’t pick up when she called. After a week John B was avoiding her questions as well. Pope told her that he had a regular conversation with JJ just the other night but didn’t elaborate further.</p><p class="p1"><em>Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Emily. But frankly I’m not asking YOU either what you are up to and with whom when I’m not there! Pick up you damn phone!</em>, she texted when she got angry again. He left her on read. Kiara was furious.</p><p class="p1">Ultimately she ended things with Emily for good.</p><p class="p1">„Is this because of JJ?“, Emily asked, apparently unimpressed by Kiaras long speech on her rational reasonings before.</p><p class="p1">„No, it isn’t“, she lied.</p><p class="p1">„Well, you have always been quite dependent on them. I guess it was just a matter of time. It was good while it lasted, right?“ Kiara was not sure she could agree. They hugged goodbye and Kiara was surprised that she felt nothing at all after all the tears and heartbreak back in winter.</p><p class="p1">She and Louise went to the OBX once term ended to spend a week there before heading to Thailand. They had lunch with her parents, Louise dutifully admiring everything and getting the full tour of The Wreck by her dad. Kie drove them to the Chateau.</p><p class="p1">„You seem nervous“, Louise remarked halfway there.</p><p class="p1">„I’m okay“, she answered, trying to end the conversation by turning up the music a bit.</p><p class="p1">„You sure?“</p><p class="p1">„Just haven’t seen them in a long time“, she lied. She did that a lot recently. Lying.</p><p class="p1">When they arrived Kies eyes snapped directly to JJ, working with Pope on the HMS. He looked okay, her quick scan showed no bruises or anything else out of the ordinary. But she wasn’t sure if she still knew what to look for anyway.</p><p class="p1">Both of them were not wearing a shirt and Louise whistled through her teeth. Putting on her sunglasses she said with a low voice, „I’m no longer surprised you didn’t want to come to Cancun with me.“</p><p class="p1">Kiara shoved her and then Sarah barreled through the door, followed closely by John B. Pope whooped when he noticed them and ran across the dock and they fell into a group hug. She was so distracted by the joyous greeting that she forgot to feel that terrible mix of dread and anger that had been her constant state of mind for the past weeks until she turned and saw JJ standing behind her. Immediately her stomach sank back down to her knees, but he just lit a blunt and handed it to her, declaring it her „Welcome back present“. No hug, no smile, no eye contact as he smoothly sidestepped her and told Louise he’d show her where they stashed the beers.</p><p class="p1">They had prepped the HMS for a day trip and while Pope and Sarah entertained themselves by discussing the Pro and Cons of a particular sunblock brand, John B played tour guide for Louise. JJ was steering, blowing smoke rings and commenting every now and then on whatever John B said, but was never sparing a glance for her.</p><p class="p1">The last time he ignored her like this was when she had tried to get back into their good graces after her Kook year. She was sure that „sitting it out“ and buying beers and weed was not the best case of action this time around. They spent the day on the water, swimming and entertaining Louise. Kie send a quick prayer of thanks to whatever deity was responsible for a case like this that JJ didn’t try to flirt with her.</p><p class="p1">Kie had no idea what she would have done then.</p><p class="p1">But she did forget the overall noisiness of her friend and payed the price later when they had set up a fire after dark.</p><p class="p1">„Okay, enough chit chat …“, Louise took a long sip of her beer, relishing in the attention she caused, „Who was with who, who broke which heart, what is the gossip? Kiara would never tell.“</p><p class="p1">„Because there is nothing to tell“, Kie rolled her eyes and started sweating. Pope shuffled in his seat and said nothing. John B busied himself with the bonfire and said nothing. Sarah took a sip and grinned like Cheshire Cat. JJ was lounging across from them and played with the rings on his fingers, eyebrows shooting up in an expression that could be either amused or dubious.</p><p class="p1">„Okay, now I know you are a big fat liar, Kiara!“, Louise laughed, „Spill!“</p><p class="p1">„Well, John B tried to mack Kie’s face of once“, Sarah said finally, looking at her boyfriend fondly but with mischief in her eyes</p><p class="p1">„That was a just a small lapse of judgement. It was a weird time.“, John B flushed. Kie groaned at the memory, the others were laughing and he called out, „I mean, Pope declared his undying love for her?!“</p><p class="p1">"Way to throw someone under the bus, John B.", Sarah commented.</p><p class="p1">„That was a major lapse of judgement“, Pope just shrugged and Kie knocked her shoulder against him. They grinned at each other.</p><p class="p1">„And you, JJ?“, Louise winked. Kie froze mid-sip.</p><p class="p1">„Well, I’m glad you asked, Louise …“, with dread Kie saw him opening his mouth for whatever inappropriate comment would cross his mind first. So she cut in, saying with a laugh too loud, „JJ was busy fucking every touron girl stepping foot on the island.“</p><p class="p1">John B snorted, Pope sighed, Louise raised her eyebrow suggestively and Sarah shook her head. JJ was unusually still. Then he looked up, right at her, for the first time that day.</p><p class="p1">„I am a popular guy.“, he said, not breaking eye contact as he was putting the beer bottle to his mouth, downing it. He got up to grab a new one without asking anyone else for a new round.</p><p class="p1">They drifted off topic and JJ continued drinking. Kie hadn’t seen him like this in a long time. Later, John B successfully persuaded him to have some water and go to bed when he started daring everyone to climb the old tree that was declared off-limits by Pope three tropic storms ago.</p><p class="p1">Kie held so tight onto her bottle that her knuckles turned white.</p><p class="p1">„What the fuck is going on with him, John B? Stop avoiding my questions, please“, she said without preamble when he returned to the fire, having left JJ snoring in his room.</p><p class="p1">„Yeah …“, John B said, trying to side eye Louise. Because Louise was cool so she excused herself under a pretense and left the Pogues with Sarah alone.</p><p class="p1">„After the fire …“</p><p class="p1">„What fire?“</p><p class="p1">„You really don’t know?“, Pope asked, incredulous.</p><p class="p1">Kie thought about the late night call. JJ’s voice, bright and fake. The sirens. <em>„Nah, I’m just high.“</em></p><p class="p1">„Let’s assume JJ and I have not been on speaking terms the last couple of weeks“, Kie said, voice impassive.</p><p class="p1">The others exchanged glances before Pope explained. Luke Maybank fell asleep on the couch with a burning cigarette. Someone noticed the smoke. The fire guard arrived in time to pull him out. He attacked the first responders. He landed in the hospital and someone called JJ. It was jail or rehab. JJ accessed his gold money to pay for rehab. Went to visit his father in the first week and got a chair thrown at him for his troubles. Had crazy headaches again and smoked too much. Started drinking again too. There had been girls, apparently. JJ had ordered them to not disclose any of this to Kie.</p><p class="p1">„Ehm, so … what happened with you two?“, Pope asked her.</p><p class="p1">Kie didn’t answer at first, just shrugged. „It’s not like it used to be“, she said finally which was neither a lie nor was it the truth. They let her go.</p><p class="p1">She barely slept that night with Louise on the pull out next to her, and was ungracefully woken by JJ banging about in the kitchen early the next morning. She watched him searching and finding some aspirin, taking three pills at once and swallowing them dry.</p><p class="p1">„Coffee?“, she asked.</p><p class="p1">He just grunted and sat down at the counter, going through a pile of papers there either waiting for the aspirin to kick in or the coffee to finish brewing or just for something to do so he wouldn’t have to look at her. Then he flicked one paper out, looked at it for a moment before crumpling it together. He tried to hit the overflowing trash bin but the paper ball rolled back towards them and it was then that she saw it, the logo on the top and her handwriting below.</p><p class="p1">It was like the last drop that made everything overflow.</p><p class="p1">She snatched it up, the application form she had printed and filled out with him in spring. They had been surfing, just the two of them, and then they had made out and then talked and she had convinced him to finally apply and then they had made out again. It had felt so good, so normal, like this was how it was just meant to be, always. She had made him promise to send it in just for the heck, let’s see what comes back. He had given her a pinky promise.</p><p class="p1">„What. The. Fuck<em>. JJ!</em>“</p><p class="p1">He looked up, surprised at her tone but when he saw the paper in her hand he snorted. „Relax, Kie. I’m too hangover for this right now.“</p><p class="p1">„Well, and who’s fault is that, dude? You <em>promised!“</em></p><p class="p1">„Yeah well, I suck at keeping promises.“</p><p class="p1">„How can you …<em> not care,</em> JJ?“, Kie didn’t even notice their rising voices, causing John B and Sarah to come out of their room with sleepy eyes or Pope jerking up from his spot on the porch.</p><p class="p1">JJ stood up. „Plenty of practice.“</p><p class="p1">„Don’t walk away from me now!“</p><p class="p1">„It’s not like … it’s just a fucking surf competition, Kie! Nothing more. Why do <em>you</em> care so much? It’s bullshit.“</p><p class="p1">„Well, one of us has to, apparently! You don’t give a fuck! You are busy getting drunk and ignoring everything that happens to you.“</p><p class="p1">„You don’t know what you are talking about.“</p><p class="p1">„Yeah, I don’t and why is that?! I’m just trying to help, JJ! I’m trying to help you getting your shit together.“</p><p class="p1">„My … my shit? Wow!“, he laughed incredulously.</p><p class="p1">„Yes, your shit because you have all but given up, JJ! <em>Fuck</em>!“, she almost cried out in frustration, „You were all talk about the g-game and going full Kook and the things you would do with all that money. Go to Yucatan, catch lobsters, competing, or getting your own boat and all that <em>shit</em>. And now? Nothing! You don’t even try! You just let things happen to you. You are stuck, JJ and <em>I’m</em> really trying to help but you won’t let me!“</p><p class="p1">She stepped forward, „Why wouldn’t you tell me?! Why would you pretend all is fine when this shit is happening, with your dad? With you head?! I would have tried to help, I would have liked to know! You wouldn’t even let John B and Pope tell me, JJ! Fuck! Pogues don’t lie to Pogues!“</p><p class="p1">That was when JJ snapped.</p><p class="p1">He hissed, <em>„But you are no Pogue, Kiara!“</em></p><p class="p1">„Dude …“, Pope murmured.</p><p class="p1">„You and your stupid rules!“, JJ ignored him, „Those rules are for shit! <em>You lie all the time!</em> You pick and chose, and fuck the rest. I’m so sick of it! You want to slum it with the lowlife on the Cut? Fuck your parents. You want to hang with the Kooks and get all fancy? Fuck your friends! Oh, the Kooks don’t actually like you? Well …you take off and expect us to be here and wait like some fucked up toys you only play with when the cool, new stuff is not available!</p><p class="p1">You pull that shit <em>all the time!</em> The moment you found yourself a fancy girlfriend in your little college dream world, it’s Emily did this and Emily said that! She crooks a finger and you jump, she leaves and you come back crying. Feels like shit, Kie, to be so expendable, doesn’t it?</p><p class="p1">Yeah, don’t come to me with this Pogues for Life bullshit! You are no Pogue. You know what, you are not even a Kook! At least they care about <em>their</em> home and <em>their</em> people! But you are only here when you have no other choice. When you are bored or have been dropped yourself! And then the only thing you talk about is leaving again as soon as possible!“</p><p class="p1">He took a step back, breathing hard. His face went blank, eyes cold. He shrugged like none of this was really of any consequence to him.</p><p class="p1">„You are just another touron.“</p><p class="p1">It was like punch in her gut. She was blinded by the tears swimming in her eyes when she shoved against his chest, one time, two times as hard as she could.</p><p class="p1">„Fuck you, JJ! <em>Fuck you!“</em></p><p class="p1">Unimpressed he looked down at her, „You think that ain’t the truth? You even let <em>me</em> fuck you. You know, like I fuck every touron girl stepping foot on the island.“</p><p class="p1">She froze.</p><p class="p1">„Another one of your rules gone to shit, ey Kie? You finally macked all of us. Completed the set.“</p><p class="p1">„Okay, that is enough!“, Pope stepped forward.</p><p class="p1">„Whatever. I’m done. Don’t talk about my dead beat future again unless you plan to be a part of it, Kiara.“ He stormed off, bike roaring.</p><p class="p1">„What just happened?“, Louise asked from the pull out.</p><p class="p1">„Shit, Kie! Are you okay?“, Sarah breathed, taking a tentative step towards her.</p><p class="p1">„I don’t understand …“, John B murmured.</p><p class="p1">„Bro, you didn’t … they had a thing going?!“, Pope whispered.</p><p class="p1">„You knew?!“, Louise turned.</p><p class="p1">„I figured they tell us when they are ready“, Pope sighed.</p><p class="p1">„They were not exactly subtle about it“, Sarah huffed, rolling her eyes.</p><p class="p1">„What?“, John B repeated.</p><p class="p1">And then Kie started crying.</p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Kie curled herself into JJs bed because fuck it. She was done pretending. Sarah came first, with a glas of water. „So, looks like things went to shit.“</p><p class="p1">„Yeah.“</p><p class="p1">„You really thought we didn’t know?“</p><p class="p1">She groaned. „… Yes? How did you find out?“</p><p class="p1">„It was not hard, Kie. JJ is as subtle as peacock. I mean … he drives you home on Christmas, right, and doesn’t come back for two hours and when he does he grins like he just staged a successful coach robbery on Santa Clause. He asked me what would help a girl with an UTI, a day before you told me you go one from ‚you know … too much surfing’. I <em>heard </em>you in the bathroom on New Years, Kie! You <em>know</em> I sleep light when I drink! I mean … Sweet Jesus! You wore his fucking board shorts in spring?! His junk touches those shorts, Kie!“</p><p class="p1">Kie buried her hands in her face. God, she had been so clueless. „I just tried to hide the hickeys.“</p><p class="p1">„What hick … oh! Gross.“</p><p class="p1">Sarah played with Kies hair for a bit and finally asked with a small voice, „What happened exactly?“</p><p class="p1">„I … I fucked up, Sarah. I mean, we never really talked about it? He didn’t want to and I didn’t made him. And then I started seeing Emily again this summer and I didn’t know how to tell him and he found out. The same night when this shit happened with his dad, apparently.“</p><p class="p1">Sarah winced, „Look, I’m really no JJ expert. Should I get John B?“</p><p class="p1">Kie sighed, then nodded. John B sat down gingerly on the bed.</p><p class="p1">„I really had no idea“, he said.</p><p class="p1">„I’m surprised because apparently JJ and I are dumb as fuck“, Kia answered, her face pressed against the cushion.</p><p class="p1">„But, really, Kie, what were you thinking?!“</p><p class="p1">She sat up, aghast. „What <em>I</em> was thinking?!“</p><p class="p1">„Yeah, Kie! Are you crazy? JJ, he … he doesn’t … he can’t handle shit like this! It’s bad enough that you and Pope left - not that I’m blaming you or anything - but you <em>know</em> that JJ doesn’t just bounce back from these kind of things!“</p><p class="p1">„Does it look like I’m bouncing back right now, John B?!“, she gestured at herself.</p><p class="p1">„Well … it’s different for you. You are … He … I mean, how did this even start? You hated how he was constantly flirting with you! You were the one with the rules! How did this happen?!“</p><p class="p1">Kie stared at the ceiling.</p><p class="p1">„In school, I always thought if I would have to pick one of you guys it would be you. I didn’t even consider him. I was so convinced we would have to bury him by our mid-twenties. He was … just too much!“</p><p class="p1">John B said nothing.</p><p class="p1">„I just looked at him. There was a moment, last summer, where I just looked at him and everything was different after that. In hindsight, I mean. There were no gestures or earthquakes or declarations. It was just like it was <em>time</em>.“</p><p class="p1">John B pushed his hair out of his face, „Kiara, I love you both. You are my family, you and JJ. What if it doesn’t work? Either way? You can’t go back to what it was before. Not after this fight you had. This scares me, okay? That was scary.“</p><p class="p1">Kie closed her eyes, her heart clenched hearing all her fears being spoken out loud by her best friend.</p><p class="p1">„On the other hand …“, John B mused suddenly, taking her hand into his, „I guess ... It would be pretty cool if it did. Work with you, I mean.“</p><p class="p1">Kie put her hands over her face. She didn’t want John B to see her cry again. „He is not easy“, she said.</p><p class="p1">„No, he isn’t.“</p><p class="p1">„He is such an asshole.“</p><p class="p1">„Very much agreed! But then … so are you!“, John B laughed, „Just … be careful with him? And so you know I will tell him the same thing! I kick his ass if he hurts you. And I kick yours if you hurt him.“</p><p class="p1">He stood up but lingered in the door, „You know, thinking about it now … Maybe it was really just a matter of time.“</p><p class="p1">He left and Kie stayed in bed. Her thoughts were racing through her head and she got furious and then sad again, angry with JJ and then angry with herself. She got up and paced the room, then she threw open the door and shouted: „<em>Pope?!?</em>“</p><p class="p1">He was there within seconds.</p><p class="p1">„What if he’s right?“, Kie asked, panicked, „What if I just lie to myself because I can’t decide what I want? What if I just used him because I am bored? What if I couldn’t have John B or because we didn’t work out and I just … moved on? ‚Completed the set‘?!“</p><p class="p1">Pope pulled her into a bone crushing hug.</p><p class="p1">„It’s bullshit!“, he answered, „It’s bullshit what he said. First of all, because its JJ who said it and the guy speaks only nonsense on his best days. Yeah, whatever … you had your Kook year! You fell in love with Emily and wouldn’t shut up about her. Remember John B and Sarah in the beginning? Maybe you lost your head, maybe you didn’t pay enough attention to those who were staying behind. But Kie, that’s just human. I know I did too! And he gave me shit for that as well.“</p><p class="p1">She leaned against him.</p><p class="p1">„This has nothing to do with that, Kie. I’m certain! This is something else, you know?“, Pope said with quiet voice, „JJ always had a thing for you. We all had a thing for you! Whatever, we knew we would grow out of it. It was just a teenage crush after all. We <em>knew</em> that, Kie!</p><p class="p1">But …you know suddenly when something happens and it’s not just a a fantasy anymore? When it could become a reality, out of nowhere, like the gold? I mean… fuck, what’s the Status Quo then? Remember what happened when we thought John B and Sarah had died and it was just the three of us?“</p><p class="p1">Kiara didn’t want to think about it. But she nodded.</p><p class="p1">„I freaked!“, Pope said, „As JJ is freaking right now. As you are freaking right now. I don’t think you were bored. I don’t think you wanted to ‚collect‘ anything. What I think is that you didn’t mack us, two years ago. It was <em>John B</em> who kissed <em>you</em>. <em>I </em>kissed <em>you</em>. But you? <em>You</em> kissed <em>JJ</em>. That has to mean something.“</p><p class="p1">Pope pressed his lips to her temple and left her alone again.</p><hr/><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">Kie waited on the porch for JJ, face like stone. He wore a helmet and <em>thank fuck</em> he did because otherwise Kie would have probably exploded right then and there.</p><p class="p1">Hesitantly he climbed off his bike and Kie got up to meet him halfway.</p><p class="p1">„Follow me“, she said, not missing a step and walking straight towards the HMS. When they reached the dock he asked, „Are you planing to throw me overboard and make it look like an accident?“</p><p class="p1">„Way to obvious“, she replied curtly, „I put poison in the beers.“</p><p class="p1">„Fair enough“, he rubbed his neck, „Look, you can beat me up if you want. I deserve it.“</p><p class="p1">Kie stopped dead in her tracks and turned slowly, „I will never lay a hand on you, JJ. Never.“</p><p class="p1">He opened his mouth a couple of times, then just nodded.</p><p class="p1">„You know words can hurt as much as fists can.“</p><p class="p1">He rubbed his neck again, „ I know that.“</p><p class="p1">She snorted and crossed her arms, „I wasn’t sure after the show this morning.“</p><p class="p1">„Look, Kie …“</p><p class="p1">„That was fucked up, JJ, okay? That was not right, I’m … <em>I’m not perfect,</em> <em>okay?</em> Sometimes you guys look at me like I am and it sucks. Makes me think it might be true and then shit starts happening and you all get disappointed because holy shit, Kie fucked up?! Yeah, okay so maybe I’m fooled easily? I get distracted by shiny Kook bling or academia hot air. But I try, okay JJ? I try to be better. I try to learn from my mistakes. What about you?“</p><p class="p1">JJ bit his lips. „I never figured it would go on for so long.“</p><p class="p1">„What would, JJ?“</p><p class="p1">„You and me. I was sure you sack my ass the first chance. Like the moment you’d have the time to think about it you’d realize what a massive mistake you made, slumming it with me. Would try to let me down easy. You say you are not perfect but … well, you kind of are to me, okay?!“</p><p class="p1">He threw his arms up, ruffling through his hair and pulling at his roots like it would help ground him.</p><p class="p1">„I’m not John B! Or Pope … I am so far from perfect I can’t … ! So I’d rather … you know … not give you the chance to talk about it. Honestly, I was shocked when you came back for spring break and we … well. What I said this morning … look, Kie, truth is I take every minute you give me! I don’t care why or how or how long as long as you look at me like you looked at me like … like maybe I’m worth all this.“</p><p class="p1">„JJ …“</p><p class="p1">„You are right, I am stuck. And this, whatever this was, was the only shit I had going for me. Of course I blew it! I got fucking jealous. I had no right to be. I wanted more than I had the right to.“</p><p class="p1">„What do you want, JJ, what do you really want?“</p><p class="p1">He shrugged, helpless, „Besides you? Shit, Kie, I have no idea, I ... I had all these dreams before the gold, of Yucatan and other shit I was going to do as soon as I had money. Now I don’t know where to start. So I just … didn’t. Start.“</p><p class="p1">Kie sighed. „You know what I want? I have no idea, either. I want to go to Thailand and I want to stay here the summer. I want to go to college again in fall. I want to move back to the OBX and just spend my days surfing. I don’t want to be working at The Wreck and when I’m away I miss it. I miss everything here so much. I miss you. I want you to visit me. Or maybe we could go traveling together? JJ, whatever this is … its a mess right now. But maybe it could be good? Because … I want this too.“</p><p class="p1">He laughed. „How? Why me? I’m just going to fuck everything up again, Kie.“</p><p class="p1">She bumped his foot with hers, smiling for the first time. „You should really give me a chance, dude. I fucked up plenty the last year. This particular brand of glory is not just reserved for you.“</p><p class="p1">„Kie, I just …“, he stared at his feet toeing the old wooden planks of the dock, „I didn’t knew how much I wanted this until I had it for a bit, and I just don’t want to fuck it up again. And I will.“</p><p class="p1">She stepped up to him „You are important, JJ. To all of us. And to me. We don’t have to have it figured out yet. None of it. Let’s try! Let’s just try, JJ, I’m serious. I’m tired of sneaking around. If it blows it blows. We’ll be fine. We find a way.“</p><p class="p1">She shrugged. „We are the Pogues. We always do.“</p><p class="p1">He smiled, her hand on his cheek, but not yet meeting her eyes. „Hey“, she said softly, „Don’t overthink it?“</p><p class="p1">His head snapped up.</p><p class="p1">Kie was sure she got it right this time around. All the times he said it before it was just easier than the things he couldn’t say yet.</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Stay with me.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>Don’t leave me.</em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em>I miss you.</em>
</p><p class="p1">JJ grinned at her, so bright, bright, bright. „Yeah“, he said and pulled her to him.</p><p class="p1">Later, when she took his hand and guided him away from the others into his room they were followed by groans (John B and Sarah) and whoops (Pope and Louise) and she made him put the mattress on the floor because the damn bed wouldn’t stop creaking and she kissed his closed eyelids when he was sleeping after and in the days following she grinned whenever JJ pulled her close because he felt like she was too far away from him.</p><p class="p1">They dropped her and Louise off at the airport and JJ kissed her right in front of them all in the middle of the Terminal hall when she started to fiddle nervously with her passport. He said „Don’t overthink it“ with his lips against her temple and it sounded awfully like <em>I love you</em>. She nodded and said it back (<em>„Don’t overthink it“</em>) and he waved her goodbye and Kie boarded the plane and all was well.</p><p class="p1">She learned about his competing for the first time when she had access to internet again after a ten day jungle hike at the end of their trip. He scored well enough to qualify for another competition.</p><p class="p1">Kie was present for this one, and she almost made him miss his start.</p><p class="p1">(„I think they call you number, JJ?“</p><p class="p1">„Who cares. Five more minutes.“</p><p class="p1">„JJ, your number! You need to go to the start!“</p><p class="p1">„Gee! Two minutes then? I don’t need more.“</p><p class="p1">„<em>JJ!</em>“</p><p class="p1">„Okay, okay! Where are my shorts?“</p><p class="p1">„Oh my god! I fucking love you.“</p><p class="p1">„Fucking love you too.“, he shouted running through the door with half his ass hanging out.</p><p class="p1">This time, he won.)</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>